People are ashamed of eating these days. And I think it’s a terrible shame, that we are ashamed of our desire to eat. Because what is it, other than the desire to live? All of us must eat to survive, and ultimately, there can be nothing wrong with this. This exposes one of many lies: the desire to eat, even the desire to eat all the foods, is an act of self-love, not self-destruction. The will to not eat, however? What is that? I know so many thin people who fear food, perceiving it as the enemy, the adversary, the challenge to be conquered and overcome – because if the food wins, they’ll be fat. And I know so many fat people who perceive food as the enemy too, as the temptress that is to blame for their misery and plight. And so people ignore or forget that the problem, as always, is prejudice and stigma. I’ve been in the industry for long enough – every now and then I have a conversation with someone – and they’ve just read this thing, and they’re shocked, and they tell me “you wouldn’t believe what’s in our food! It’s so bad, it’s killing us” – and it’s news to them, and maybe they don’t know what it is that I do for a job, or they think I haven’t read what they’ve read.
But I’ve read it. And I’m not convinced. Food does not kill us. Food keeps us alive. There’s a reason we crave calorific foods – it’s a biological imperative, and it can only be outsmarted or dominated for so long. The turning point for me – a couple of years ago – I realised the only foods I didn’t feel some kind of guilt about eating were vegetables and nuts. And when I realised that was it, I could no longer escape the reality – my problem was not with food, it was with guilt and shame. I decided that what I wanted was comprised of two points: 1. I wanted to be able to eat anything I wanted, without shame, and 2. I wanted what I craved to also be what was good for me It didn’t occur to me, at first, that I might already be craving what was good for me – because I was still blinded by preconception, and I certainly did not trust my appetite. Like food, I thought of it as an adversary. But this desire for freedom led me to a whole bunch of investigation. Why was I craving the foods I was craving? My testosterone was down, and I’d been eating low-fat and low-calorie for years without realising it, and what brought my testosterone up again was eating massive amounts of butter and cream. I had thought that shit would kill me. But it made me healthier. People talk about nutritional deficiencies, unresolved emotional issues, and a rebellious temperament as being to blame for certain cravings – as if it’s these things that explain why you might desire a food, forbidden or not – but few really talk about the obvious – we crave food because we need food in order to live. And so, I also realised that if I was going to be healthy – if I was going to be able to get enough food in to support my training – let alone my capacity to live – I was going to have to eat foods that someone else says are going to kill me. And so, the next realisation: there’s no way around it – only I can be the one who decides what I do and do not eat. Only I. There is no program. The truth is that calories aren’t your enemy. They’re your friend. If you fight them, it’s only going to do you harm, because they are what keep you safe in this world, and the other secret truth: you need to eat more than you’ve been told. We are not actually overeating. I don’t think I know anyone who actually qualifies as one who habitually overeats, but I know dozens of people who think they eat too much. What is this based on? Assumptions that if they have fat, they are too fat, if they hunger, they must be somehow corrupt, weak or immoral, and a basic misunderstanding of the laws of thermodynamics, that it seems is near-universal. To be clear: you crave high-calorie food, because this kind of food is the most efficient thing you can possibly eat to keep you alive. This is anything but a bad thing. Think about how much effort is required – even today, in an affluent society – to ensure reliable access to good quality meals. People talk about drugs and food and reward pathways in the brain – if those pathways weren’t there, if food didn’t make you feel good, if it wasn’t worth the effort, if cravings didn’t exist – especially in a time or place where food was not so easy to access – nobody would have sought out food. We all would have died of hunger (or laziness) a long time ago. Because the truth is – it’s not lazy to eat. Even these days it requires effort – maybe more so, in a certain context, because there is so much set up to try to stop us from eating. There’s no such thing as empty calories. Calories themselves keep you alive. That’s the truth. All calories do this. Hasn’t happened in a few years, but this image used to come to me, occasionally in a flash, of me as a boy, eating with joyful abandon, both hands, some sort of snacky, indulgent ‘bad’ food – but I never knew exactly what – and this joy, this sensual indulgence, this image of myself, eating with abandon, free from any kind of self-judgement – it would fill me with a deep feeling of shame. Self consciousness. It would make my vulnerabilities feel exposed, somehow. As if I knew the secret truth that I was... I don’t know what – powerless? Naive? Scared? Inadequate? Simply human, and not super-iron-willed-bullet-proof? The last couple of years since I started working through this stuff, this image doesn’t come to me anymore. Looking back, it seems a strange thing, and I can’t quite remember exactly how it would go. Now I think of that image, and I feel compassion and fondness. But I don’t feel that sense of shame anymore, surrounding food, or the sensual enjoyment thereof. Not even remotely. Because the lie is that food and appetite relates directly to willpower, to virtue, and that if you can discipline yourself when it comes to food, you can achieve anything. As if food is something that you should apply discipline to? No. Not even remotely. If you’re going to discipline yourself to something, make it worthwhile, but you can bet your ass that what you think you need is not true, and your body knows better. There are reasons for cravings, and cravings are your body’s way – your secret internal life that doesn’t always reveal itself to you – they’re your body’s way of taking care of yourself when you, yourself fail to do so. I have come to see dieting as simply this: the glorified failure to feed yourself properly. It is dressed up and applauded these days as if it’s an achievement, as if it’s a sign of self-control, of righteousness. We fear sex, too, and intimacy, and all the pleasures of the body. That’s not so surprising, given the history of a culture that developed hand-in-hand with thousands of years of religion and propaganda – not that I’ve got a problem with religion per se – but the guilt. Seriously? Pleasure is not the enemy – it’s not a moral position. It plays a role, biologically, it is not only natural, but necessary, and I simply don’t understand any more – why the shaming? It helps nobody, it serves no good purpose that I can think of. There are always better ways to learn about yourself – to learn about your vulnerabilities, desires, strengths and weaknesses – than through shaming. Shaming does not encourage exploration or discovery. It does not enable, it only represses – which is, of course, the truth of why it is applied. If you were thinking for yourself, discovering and investigating, why would you submit to the humiliation? In a culture where the threat or promise of sex (depending on your perspective) is so real, so constant, no wonder our standardised images for beauty have become androgynous, sexless. No wonder the aesthetic that is revered is one of discipline and control, in this pseudo post-apocalyptic world. We don’t trust freedom anymore, we don’t trust our desires, and we feel ashamed of indulgence. You see all these articles these days – “hey, look chocolate doesn’t make you fat” – but then they always have this little chastisement – trying to be cute – just make sure you don’t eat too much! Winkface! Because – calories! OM Fucking G! Be afraid! We secretly know you’re all weak, indulgent beasts. But there’s no need to be ashamed of your appetite, your desires, because your appetite and desires are not the reason you feel ashamed of your body. And messing with them, with what you eat, and how you train – that’s not going to cure your shame. If you want to cure your shame, work on the shame. The way to eat guilt-free chocolate is to eat chocolate and not the guilt. Eat more, unashamedly. Especially if you’re exercising, because your body needs it, and food is not the problem. Also, I read this cool thing earlier. Men get eating disorders too. I am one of them, trying to write about it, and find a way forward.
27 Comments
Nicole
1/12/2014 09:33:15 am
Hi. I’m new here. I’m interested in learning more about exercise from a perspective that I consider grounded and reasonable, and am grateful for your essays on the topic, which I am just beginning to explore. But here’s what I want to say at the moment:
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Chris
1/12/2014 10:38:10 am
Hi Nicole!
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Nicole
1/12/2014 12:00:43 pm
Thanks for responding to me, Chris. I agree with everything you said above. My agreement in itself leads me to reflect on the differences between “us” and “them,” which seem to include an openness and a fearlessness which comes from acknowledgement and acceptance of our own fears and weaknesses, ambiguity, and the impossibility of total control. To me, it feels very much like a contemporary American “liberal” versus “conservative” divide.
Chris
1/12/2014 01:14:48 pm
You're welcome.
Tammy
1/13/2014 07:13:43 am
Wow. I have just begun learning this concept. I love the way you have put it in words. I am a "morbidly obese" woman in my late 40s. I don't really feel like I am dying, though. It's just a diagnosis. Over the last year I have finally separated myself from my weight and from my diet. I always identified with both as my personal failures. They were me and I was them. (some other stuff too, lol) Anyway, I have finally realized that my "diet" is what I choose to eat and my body is a vessel that carries the essence of me, it is NOT me. I have not done anything other than change this perception and have lost 20lbs. over the last year. This perception is very hard to hold onto though. Lots of outside pressures to do and think otherwise. As I become more strong in myself, it becomes easier.
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Chris
1/13/2014 08:59:17 am
Perception is hard. I stopped buying into the diet mentality four years ago... or so.... and I feel like I'm only now reaching the point where I trust that I will be able to access food freely - even though I live in a civilized society and access has never been an issue as long as I've been alive. But I suppose that's the thing with restriction and freedom... It's hard to recover when you've internalised the prejudice. The idea keeps popping up every now and then - what will I eat in the future? Will I be able to trust my choices?
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Michelle
1/13/2014 07:56:08 am
Hi Chris,
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Chris
1/13/2014 08:53:27 am
Hi Michelle,
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Michelle
1/13/2014 07:00:55 pm
Stop with all the craziness.
Chris
1/13/2014 07:53:46 pm
Thank you. I'm glad!
Nicole
1/13/2014 01:40:48 pm
Hi, Chris. Thanks for the link to your article about knees. It looks good at first glance; I’m going to check it out more thoroughly. For example, now that you mention it, I’m pretty sure that my quads are much, much stronger than my hamstrings.
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Chris
1/13/2014 01:58:51 pm
Cheers!
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Nicole
1/14/2014 08:37:11 am
Hi, Chris.
Chris
1/14/2014 09:48:06 am
Hi Nicole,
Chris
1/13/2014 02:01:47 pm
Oh and of course - people who think you have to train the same way as them? They usually don't have much coaching experience. That delusion disappears pretty quickly once you start working with humans who come in a variety of ages, fitness levels, with unique movement patterns, coordination, different histories, etc.
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Bridget
1/14/2014 06:31:33 am
Thank you so much for posting this. I've been having such a struggle with recovery/"refeeding" from anorexia over the past few months because what's making ME healthier is the opposite of the way the rest of the world seems to be wired. "Health" for me is making sure I schedule a certain amount of so-called junk foods into my weekly food plan so I don't eliminate entire food groups, like I have been doing all my life before now. I don't want to live that way any more, and it's NOT healthy and functional, but a person can mention to a co-worker that they passed on the biscuit tin that morning and be praised. No one would understand if I announced, "I ate two Tim Tams!" as a victory. :P
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Chris
1/14/2014 06:48:01 am
Thanks for sharing that Bridget. I just find the whole pro-diet-culture-thing so confusing these days. When you've identified a problem with restriction, and when you've taken steps towards recovery, it's just so crazy - you see people engaging in restrictive behaviours, being told to engage in behaviours, being told to do so for their health - and these are exactly the disordered behaviours you're trying to recover from. And people think it's good for them!
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Bridget
1/14/2014 01:15:34 pm
Exactly! And it would totally be understandable to be angry, haha. There's this insane culture of "normal restriction" that society has that is insane. As an amazing dietician I went to (who actually linked me to this post) said: "Our goal isn't to make you normal. It's to make you MORE 'normal' than normal."
Chris
1/14/2014 09:04:15 pm
Yeah! What is that, normal restriction? Why would restriction be normal? The Paleo fantasy - the Paleo diet - if there's one thing you can bet your ass cave-humans didn't do, it would have been dieting!
Thanks so much for that link, Chris. I've re-read your blog about five times in the past few days now, ha - found so much strength and motivation from it.
Chris
1/17/2014 09:12:13 am
Thanks Bridget!
Nicole
1/14/2014 12:34:53 pm
I apologize, Chris. I came across as rude, and I truly didn’t mean to. At no time were you provocative. I was upset—which is my responsibility, not yours—so in my communication with you I was trying to balance out my anxiety and frustration with a little lightheartedness, but it came out wrong. I’m really very sorry.
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Chris
1/14/2014 08:54:48 pm
No problem Nicole! :)
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androgynous
4/10/2014 09:05:28 pm
What is wrong with androgyny? Nothing has triggered my eating disorder more than being forced to be a mushy weak victim female. Through androgyny and building big muscles I have found a way out. You are right about the danger of fearing or desiring sex, but what you don't get is that if you are forced to be female by birth, you have to enjoy being a victim to be happy in society. If you have this gender forced on you, but aren't submissive and don't want to be, you will find fleshy femininity disgusting and androgyny freeing. What works for you may not work for someone forced to live in a gender they find disgusting.
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Chris
4/11/2014 12:59:20 pm
An individual or a group of people might use androgyny as a powerful tool for provoking political change, or as a genuine expression of their own internal life. As such it is both useful and great. But the beauty standard is a strange beast that is something else, something quite different from anything revolutionary or the true expression of an individual - it demands compliance and punishes diversity and disobedience. And it does come in different forms, too - larger sizes are being embraced in certain ways, but it is still a certain 'approved' type of larger size. And a person might or might not fit it well, while being their own genuine selves. I did gloss over this point somewhat, and you have given me much to think about. The key for me, in this context at least, is the difference between how a free individual might choose to live and behave, versus what we are told to be like, and what 'look' appears to be culturally safe or sanctioned.
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